Top 5 things to do in Canberra

5. Rediscover alcohol. See, until you come to Canberra you will no doubt have though of alcohol as perhaps a social lubricant, something to make your stories more interesting, your embellishments more entertaining and your dialoue more sparkling. However, in Canberra alcohol becomes almost a nightly necessity in order to retain one's sanity. Drinking, instead of being a means to an end (getting drunk, vomiting, waking up next to a Hattie Jacques lookalike) instead becomes the end itself. I imagine this is why so many Irish become alcholoics.

4. Stand in front of the mirror and blink really fast and try and see if you can open your eyes fast enough to see your eyes being closed because it is possible because light only travels at finite speed and muhammed ali could probably do it because he said he could turn off the light and be in bed before it got dark but to be honest that was probably a lie and he was just saying that to big himself up as they say in the hood.

3. Sit in front of a PC for hours on end trying to come up with funny, witty blog entries, but fail because the malaise that seems to lie across canberra like a suffocating fog has somehow managed to infect you too, so you barely have an original thought let alone one worth commiting to the written word. Get bored and then decide to do another 'top 5' instead.

2. Go and visit the parliament building, and gleefully fantasize about repeatedly punching each and every politician, civil servant and bureaucrat in their stupid face.

1. Read the entire BBC website.